i can't believe i had my finger in that
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
