the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
party gras won. party gras always wins.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
