I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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