i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
