I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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