I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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