In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
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