Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
