$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
