is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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