When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
