I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
