You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Also, beer. Big fan.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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