Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
