Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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