I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
