So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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