oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
my shit smells like andre
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Ladies don't puke and tell
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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