oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
