i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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