I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
