Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Is it because I queefed?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Randomize
