My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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