FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
