Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
