so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Randomize
