mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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