She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
