Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
