it was like his penis was on wheels.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize