There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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