i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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