my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Someone signed my nipple.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
