Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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