and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
