College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
