Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
