guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
