Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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