Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
