It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
