The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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