apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
