No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
3pm strippers are depressing
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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