you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
