I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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