Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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