you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
