You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
