i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
