My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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