Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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