I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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