I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
