would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
