3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
