this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
