I'll bet she douches with gravy.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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