just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize