the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
