if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
