Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
